The Power of Owning Your Mistakes: A Path to Growth and Compassion

Written by Catherine Koverola, PhD

We all make mistakes—that’s a given. Humans make mistakes with surprising regularity. What varies is how people handle the fact that they have made a mistake. Some readily acknowledge their mistake and quickly move on to making amends or figuring out how to correct the error. In these cases, everyone is able to move on, the mistake becoming something of the past. Best case scenario, it becomes a learning experience.

Then there are those who make a mistake and are completely undone by the experience. They conclude that it is definitive evidence that they are a failure, convinced that no one will ever see beyond their error. They relive it, beating themselves up. Trapped in this self-punishment cycle, they become paralyzed, unable to take proactive steps to correct the mistake. Sometimes, the mistake takes on a life of its own and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Finally, there are those folks who just don’t seem to have the capacity to acknowledge that they made a mistake. (At least, that’s how it appears to the rest of us). Even in the face of disastrous outcomes, they remain oblivious–perhaps steeped in potent denial–to their mistakes and the impact they have on others. When the pressure mounts, these individuals usually find a way to reframe the problem as being caused by someone or something else. Sadly for all involved, they become bound to repeat their mistakes over and over. 

I once had a colleague who subscribed to this school of thought: “Never show weakness or admit a mistake–people will smell blood and go for the jugular.” Could it be that the seemingly arrogant one who can’t admit a mistake is, at their core, afraid? Afraid of being found out? Afraid that their mistakes will come to define them?

Why do we respond to human error in such different ways? Perhaps it is because acknowledging a mistake takes courage, a willingness to release the ego for a moment, and an understanding that we are not defined by our mistakes. None of the aforementioned is easy to come by! It requires an appreciation that while we may all strive to do the right thing, sometimes we have faulty or incomplete information that leads us down the wrong path. 

Other times, our errors are rooted in implicit bias. Sometimes, we are in a rush, and it’s simply a careless mistake. At times, we are driven by more basic instincts–desire, avoidance, or anger–that cloud our ability to see the bigger picture. For some, the fear of making a mistake is intensified by existing power structures–will an error make them vulnerable to their superiors? How easy is it for a subordinate to “own” that mistake when the pressure to perform, succeed, and be seen as a valuable part of a team is so intense? 

What about when a colleague messes up–how willing or able are they to declare the mistake theirs when other team members are relying on them? How does a leader confront their own mistakes while retaining the respect of their constituency? 

None of these scenarios are easier or more preferable to another. They all point to the same conclusion: to err is to be human–regardless of one’s position or status in the world.

One observation I can offer is that those who readily own their mistakes tend to have a ready spring of compassion for others who make mistakes. They are less quick to judge themselves or others. If you have made a mistake lately– whether a little one or a big one–try owning it, making reparation, and then moving on. 

It’s a bold way to live. Someone may “smell blood,” as my former colleague would say. I doubt it, though. My hunch is that most people are just secretly comforted to know they’re not the only one who’s messed up in the course of things. 

The next time you make a mistake, turn your compassion inward and forgive yourself. Recognize that you are human, and take a chance that those around you will choose compassion as well–instead of going for the jugular.

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