Disappointments and Losses: Opportunity for Compassion

Written by Catherine Koverola, PhD

Disappointments and losses. We certainly all experience them, and they are indeed a part of the human condition. Whether it is a sports match that some consider a national embarrassment, or the disappointment of a student who is denied admission to their top-choice school or who fails a class–or worse, is dismissed from a program. The disappointment of being passed over for a promotion, the heartbreak of a failed relationship, or more excruciating still, the anguish of learning that a loved one’s treatment has failed and hospice is the only option left–the opportunities for disappointment are many in our everyday lives.

As I reflect on the disappointments in my own life, some from long ago and others more recent, I see a recurring theme. There is that initial sense of being bulldozed, followed by feelings of disbelief and shock (Is this for real?). For many, there is a flood of emotions and the endless self-talk of if only I had done this or that, or said this or that. (And for me, at least, usually another flash flood of emotions!) A friend of mine used to call these moments “character-building experiences.” I have often wondered if my character really needed that much building. 

As the days and weeks go by, acceptance and reality set in. Sometimes, I have found meaning in the experience and felt that it really was meant to be. But sometimes, for all of us, there is the raw realization that it just really hurts; coming face to face with our own vulnerability is humbling. With the passing of time, the acuteness subsides, but there is a tenderness that always remains. Mercifully, the people who love me usually remind me that I am not defined by my disappointments or losses. It happened, but it is not who I am.

With the survival of disappointment comes the capacity to engage on a more humble, human level with your neighbor, who may be struggling with his or her own difficult moment. A disappointment fully digested equips us to love others–and perhaps ourselves–more boldly.

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