Overcoming Confrontation Fears: Tips for Honest and Intentional Exchanges
Written by Catherine Koverola, PhD
Like everyone, I have had my share of situations in which I would have much rather just swept things under the rug and walked away. Why? Because the thought of confronting someone I genuinely like and care about is something I really don’t want to have to do. Yet, these situations come up in all spheres of one’s life—with colleagues, friends, and family.
As I mull over potential scenarios in my mind, imagining how heated the conversation could get or how devastated the person might become, I end up wanting to scamper off into the Alaskan tundra—far away from potential confrontation!
Sometimes, while contemplating the difficult conversations I need to have, I find that suddenly the dullest task becomes electrifyingly fascinating. But in my heart of hearts, I know that avoidance is only a path to a worse situation, and that getting on with the business of confrontation is ultimately the only option.
Over the course of my career, in the face of multiple situations that needed confronting–honest hard conversations–it has become apparent to me that I need a reliable strategy to get through them. So recently, I decided to intentionally prepare for each meeting by spending some time in quiet meditation.
I found that my desire for avoidance now more often turns to compassion. Much to my surprise, in each case I was able to articulate the transgression or problematic behavior to the individual involved while still maintaining a connection to their inherent goodness. The conversations were still tough, but in stark contrast to past situations where I mustered up the courage to confront someone and it went poorly, these times were different.
In the past, confrontation typically resulted in one or both parties becoming defensive. So, in an effort to convince them of the error of their ways, I would intensify my approach, inevitably leading to even more defensive posturing.
When I have been able to stay in a place of honest but compassionate confrontation, the outcome has been strikingly and consistently different. In every difficult conversation following intentional mindful preparation, the individual has courageously accepted responsibility for their behavior and resolved to take a different approach going forward. Rather than suffering a rupture, the relationship deepens.
Reflecting on these experiences, I realize that confrontation is really about being mindful of the dignity of others. Perhaps the term “confrontation” is no longer an appropriate descriptor; perhaps it is an honest and intentional exchange. It becomes about boldly but lovingly speaking the truth and doing it with intentionality.
These strategies are helpful for me not only as an administrator but in all aspects of my life. You might want to try it next time you find yourself considering avoiding that tough conversation.
Navigating Tough Conversations: Techniques for Successful Confrontation
Before you embark on a potentially difficult conversation, take a few minutes to meditate, and take a few deep breaths. Visualize a positive outcome.
Before starting the conversation, recall a time when you had a really warm encounter with this individual.
Remember the concept of the sandwich approach: start the conversation with something positive, share the concern, and try to conclude with a potential positive outcome.
Imagine someone was going to give this feedback to you. Are there things that could be said that would make you more receptive? Try using those strategies.
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